If Only
by Ryder24
Summary: Spencer grew up only wanting one thing...to write. Than not only was she living her dream but another one came true when she started writing her new book.
1. Chapter 1

**So heres a new one that I've been thinking about lately so I thought that I would start this one as well. Let me know what u think about it ok. Thanks for my readers for sticking with me. It means alot. **

**Hope u enjoy! **

**If Only **

I've been sitting here in front of this computer for the longest time that it's starting to make me go insane. I need to finish the next chpt other wise it was going to kill me because Aiden has been waiting for it. All I need to do is finish it and than he will be off my ass. Now where was I at?

_"Tony stood there looking at his beautiful bride thinking that he was the luckest man alive. Never had he thought that he would be at the alter getting married to his high school sweetheart. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this woman. _

_'I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride.' I turned to Michelle and I looked into those beautiful green eyes. I can get lost in those eyes all day every day for the rest of my life. Her smile sparked my heart a little more and I leaned down and kissed the bride." _

There I'm finally done with the story. I can edit it and send it to Aiden so he can get off my back and they can start the publishing as soon as everything is done. This will be my fourth book and I'm hoping that this one will make the New York top sellers list as well.

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"What do you mean that it won't be able to send it out until next week? Aiden you told me to finish it today so you could send it out tomorrow night. What the hell happened?" I was sitting in my office talking with Aiden on the phone about my story getting to the publishers on time.

"Spencer I thought that they were going to ship it out tomorrow night as well but the company called me tonight and told me that they had delay it due to some problems with their manufacturing machines. They were down or something like that."

I was pissed. I've had so much problems with this publishing company that it was getting me to the point that I was thinking of finding another publisher to print my work up. Aiden and I have been going back and fourth with them that it was becoming impossible at times.

"I think it's time that we find another publisher Aiden. Ever since the beginning they have had nothing but problems and you know that."

"Spencer you know we can't until this book is published. You signed with them and now you are going to have to stick it out until this one is out there. Than the next one we will find a new company to publish your work. Agreed?" I knew he was right. I just didn't like that they were messing around with my work and not doing their job. They made a lot of money off my books and here they are going to mess around with my work.

That was nothing but bullshit.

"Fine. We get this one finished with and then we move on. Enough of this shit, I'm done with them."

"I understand. Everything will be figured out soon. Just be patient Spencer and will be situated with. Well I got to get going but as soon as I hear about the story going to print than I'll get you a call."

"Thanks Aiden. Talk to you later."

I hung up the phone with my hands on my face and me trying to calm my breathing down. I swear I let them mess with my life so much that it's becoming impossible to get anything done around here. If Aiden wasn't going to find someone else for me than I was going to have to go out there and find my own publisher. It won't be hard.

At least I don't think it will. I mean come on I have three books that were on the New York Best Sellers List. Who wouldn't want me on their team?

Cocky I know but I've been writing all my life and when I finally made something of myself I wasn' going to take it for granted. I was going to run with it as far as I could take it and than some.

My mom never thought that I would make it as far as I got. She told me that she wanted me to be a Doctor when I grew up but instead of going to Medical school after high school I chose a different route and ended up going to NYU to write. I knew the chances of me becoming a write was slim to none but I didn't care. Writing was a passion of mine and I loved doing it. So instead of my mom supporting me in everything that I was doing she kind of blew me off.

Dad however was there for me all the way. He would call me on the weekends and make sure that I had money for my costs down here and would always ask about my progress on getting my work out there. Of course the first three years of College nothing happened. It wasn't until the end of my Senior year that I was able to get my stuff into Aidens hands. He was a highly paid Editor in NY. Madison my bestfriend was actually dating his bestfriend and that's how I got my way in. It's so nice to have connections in life. So from there Aiden started reading some of my stuff and he actually liked it all. He started working on one of them and than got connected with the publishers that we have now.

What was the company name again?

Oh,right. Highlander Publishing Company.

They were so gone now. I was moving on to bigger and better places.

Someone who knew what they were talking about when they published books. Not sure which one yet, but I will find it.

**(A/N: Sooo I just wrote this chpt right now and I wanted to get it out because I just came up wit the story and I couldn't let it go. Let me know what you think about it and even though its barely started but I have alot to go sooo please do what you do best and....Leave the love. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I was totally shocked that you guys added my story to ur alerts lol. I thought that this wouldn't get picked up as fast but I'm totally glad that it did because now that means that I have to write the chpts faster than usual. Well heres the next chpt. **

**Enjoy. **

I had Emily get me the numbers in Aidens book so I could get started on finding a new Publisher. I guess it's a good thing that our relationship ended on a good note because I don't think she would of helped me out like she was.

Emily and I started dated right after I got signed with Aiden. I met her that afternoon that I was in Aidens office signing papers. At first I didn't think that she was into woman but when she gave me her number that's when it was all clear to me.

How did she know I was gay?

I swear sometimes I wonder if I'm that transparent. Like would you be able to spot me out in a crowd. Personally I don't think so but you never know what other people see when they look at you. Anyways though Emily and I started dating and it lasted almost a year but we both realized that it was better that we both stayed friends than as a couple. I totally agreed with her and stayed friends.

So here I am asking Emily to help me out while I try to find a new publisher. I even had her come over and help me call some of the places. I thought it would be fun to hangout and try to get this over with.

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"Do you think he will know that you took his lists?" I was sitting in Emily apartment with her as we were looking at the lists of Publishers Aiden had in his book.

"Please Spencer. He wouldn't know even if it bit him in the ass. I swear if he wasn't good looking and great at his job I would say he was dumb as door nails." I looked over at her and started laughing so hard.

"Are you trying to tell me that you've gone back to be straight?" Emily shot me a glare and I couldn't help not laughing all over again.

"Honey I'm as gay as they come. I would never trade tits for a dick. They are to precious to me." Oh my goodness this woman was impossible.

"Ok just checking their sweet cheeks." Yes I call her Sweet Cheeks. Even though we broke up I still tend to treat her like I did when we were going out. Except with out the sex and everything. There comes moments where we will be drunk and hanging out at a club and we will make out but its nothing serious. We pretty much laugh it off the next morning anyways.

I love her though. She's been awesome about everything and no matter what we were going to be stuck together as friends. There's no denying that.

"Ok are we going to get going on this list or are we going to sit around here and braid eachothers hair?" She was such a nut.

"Yes lets get going because I want to at least get through half of this list before tonight."

"Now I know your tripping because this is a long ass list and there is no way we will get to the middle of it by tonight."

"If you stop talking than maybe we can get it done."_ If you stop talking than maybe we can get this done. _Emily started mimicing me. Just in case you didn't notice I was older than her by two years.

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The list seemed like it went for days. How many publishing companies can be in New York? Manhattan no less. I swear I would of ended this a long time ago if I didn't think that it wouldn't get done. Aiden would take to long to find a company. I wanted it done now and damn I was going to have to take matters into my own hands.

"What are you on?" I looked over at her as she had her body plastered on the couch. She looked like she was wared out like I was.

"I just finished the end of New York Listings and I am so finished for the night." She started to lay back on the couch resting her feet and I got up to get her up before she fell asleep.

"No Em. I need to finish this. Please don't go to sleep." I sat on the end of the couch resting my arm on her legs while I watched her squirm on the couch.

"Spence we've been calling all the Publishing Companies in New York. Don't you think that if we were going to find the right one than we would of done it by now?" She was right but I knew that there was another company out there for me. I just had to keep looking.

"I know your right but that's the thing. We've only done New York. We still have the rest of the USA."

"OH HELL NO. I am not getting into that mess tonight. We can get together tomorrow morning for breakfast before I go into the office and we can do some more calling. Deal?" I sat there looking at her and she was resting her elbows on the couch with a puppy dog face. I knew she was tired and so was I. I gave into the woman and decided to give up for the night.

"You promise me that you will meet for breakfast?" I stood to my feet and I started to grab all of my shit while I waited to hear her responce.

"Of course." She mumbled under her breathe and than she was out. Damn she must of been really tired.

I made my way out of her apartment and grabbed a cab to my place. The whole way home I couldn't help thinking that I needed to find that place because I wanted to start writing again. I had such a great story line coming to my head and even though I've been writing all my thoughts down on paper didn't mean that I didn't want to start my process.

Writing was my life and I needed to get this started with.

Once I made it back into my loft I looked around at my big spacious room in front of me and I was feeling alone. I'm use to be alone but there was this feeling that was starting to creep into my body that I didn't like. When Em and I were together I wanted to share everything with her. She even met the parent who hated me for all the choices I was making in life. I was Paulas biggest mistake she would tell me when she was drinking. I however would ignore her and keep on living my life because no matter what I knew I was more happier than she was. Well at least I was. Now I sit here in this empty place and wish I had someone to share it with.

I tried dating but I started to notice that the girls I was dating were only after me for my money. Some of the girls knew who I was but the other ones didn't all they cared about was the fact that my place was huge and I bought them things.

Can you say shallow?

So instead I stay here in my place writing my heart away. Writing about how I would like to be treated and taken cared of. How I want my life to end up as. Just for once I want my life to be writen and to end in a happy ending.

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That night I sat in my bed watching TV. Flipping through all of the hundreds of channels that I have but apparently could never find anything to watch. So instead I turned the TV off and sat there. I wasn't tired and it was only 9:30. Who in New York goes to bed at 9:30 at night?

I looked over at my night stand and started looking at my lists. So I grabbed them and started to go through the ones that we haven't even touched yet. This would be the West Coast portion of the stack. Part of me was thinking that it would be hard to keep transporting back and forth for confrencess but hey if I found the right company I would deal with the commute I would have to take.

Ashwood Publishings.

They were at the top of the list for the West Coast. Los Angeles was more like it. Talk about getting the big wiggs over there in California. I'd probably have everyone over here talking stuff about me. Saying I traded myself to the west coast when I live in the East. Of course I was born and raised in Ohio so that doesn't make it any better.

Well I'll have to get started on that list tomorrow and hopefully get somewhere other wise I was stuck with the publishing place that I have now.

I so don't want that.

**(A/N:Sooo theres the next chpt...Ashley will be coming into play here soon...I'm just trying to get the whole back ground for everyone in Spencers life right now and than people will start to pop up :) Well you guys know what to do best and thanks for everyone putting my story on ALERT...its good to know that u guys want to read more. Leave the love.)**


	3. Chapter 3

**So to everyone who reads this story and sees errors on the page...Thats my fault. I don't go over my stories...if I have errors on the page than after some time ill go back to correct them. I'm not a Editor...i just write and I know I make mistakes...GRAMMER is my and was my worst subject so I don't expect to be good at it. So apologies to all those who have problems with my writing. **

**In everything else thank you all for reading. It does mean alot to me that you take time out to read any of my writing. So if ur still wanting to read this story then enjoy. **

I laid there staring at the ceiling. Thinking about how I wanted everything to come out with this new book that I'm going to be starting shortly here. Actually I was going to start it as soon as I find that new Publisher.

What was that name of the one in L.A.?

_Ring ring ring. _

I leaned over on my bed and I grabbed my phone.

"You were suppose to be here like ten minutes ago." I quickly looked over at my alarm and I hit my head onto the pillow. Ugh, this whole time I was laying in bed thinking of what I had to do I let the time pass me by.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm heading out the door right now." I jumped out of the bed and I grabbed some clothes and ran through the shower as I stood there thinking that I knew that I had alot that I needed to do today. For the most part I knew that the one thing that needed to be done was to find my Publisher and do it fast.

"I know. You don't have to yell at me for being late." I swear I think I would still be sitting in my bed if I hadn't gotten the call from Em.

Emily sat there in the chair drinking her White Mocha Extra Hot shaking her head at me.

"Did I yell?" She responded to me as I sat down at the seat right next to her.

"You did on the phone." I smiled at her as I saw my cup of coffee right there in front of me.

She soo still loved me.

"That's because you didn't show up like you told me to be here. Instead you were still laying in bed." I crinkled my forehead at her.

"How do you know I was still in bed?" Emily took a drink and than conitnued to shake her head.

"You keep forgetting that we dated for a year and I know everything about you. Plus when you have a lot on ur mind you tend to lose all thought into what your thinking about and I know it had to be in your bed. So try to act surprise at the fact that I know you were daydreaming in bed."

She sure did know me.

"Well I'm sorry for being late but I have the next list of people to call. Are you ready?" I smiled at her and she started to laughing at me.

"Come on. We have to get this done because I know that Aiden wanted us to call him later on." Just thinking how nothing of mine was coming out the way I wanted it because Aiden didn't want to move his ass on things was really starting to piss me off. These were my books and I think that I should have my own say in who I wanted to publish them.

I grab the list out of my bag and I put them on the table as I grabbed the stack that I was going to start on last night. The first one on the list was Ashwood Publishing. I grabbed the number and I started to call.

Who's name is head of the company again?

Kyla Woods.

Sure hope she isn't a bitch. I can never deal with someone who has a bigass head on their shoulders.

"Thank you for calling Ashwood Publishing. This is Ashley. How may I direct your call?" Oh shit I pushed the call button and I wasn't even paying attention.

"Um yes. Sorry you caught me in thought." The girl on the other end started to laugh in my ear and I thought it was really cute.

"It's ok. I do the same thing when Im with my friends. How may I help you?" I got my mind off her voice and I got back to business.

"I'm Spencer Carlin-"

"As in THEE Spencer Carlin. New Yorks top selling writer?" I started laughing so hard as Emily looks over at me with a weird look on her face.

"Yes, that would be me."

"Now Im sorry. I usually don't get the calls. Miss Woods get's them direct to her office." She was so cute being all shocked to be talking to me but in all reality at the moment even though I needed to talk to Miss Woods, I did not want to get off the phone with Ashley.

"If I had the number I probably would of called her but I'm not complaining with being directed to you." Emily dropped her jaw on the table and I smiled at her. Yes I was flirting with Ashley.

"Well that's good to hear. I know that you wanted to be directed to Kyla so I'l direct you to her. I hope I get a chance to talk with you again." I was thinking the same thing because I wanted to talk to her again as well.

"You as well Ashley." Ashley transfered me over to Kyla and I sat there smiling as Em shook her head at me.

"This is Kyla Woods. How may I help you?" It was time to work the business because I was really wanting to see what this company had under their belt.

For all I knew I could be heading to California in one shot.

Hmm I guess we will see.

**(A/N: So i've been sitting on this chpt for a LONG time I know hahaha...you know whats weird. When I use to write on paper I would have a story done in a few months maybe even sooner but I also brought my notebook everywhere and I would write all the time. Now I tend to find it hard to sit down and knock a chpt out. So for that I am sorry. Strick around though...I dont like to let a story end at a bad note :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's the next one. **

**Enjoy! **

_"Let me come with you. PLEASE LET ME COME!"_

_I was sitting there laughing at Em as she kept on asking me if she could come on the trip to go and meet Kyla. Our conversation went really well actually and she told me that she would love to take on my next book. I of course told her that I needed to check everything out but everything sounded really good. _

_So Kyla said she would pay for me and one more person to come out to California and check everything out before I make my decision. Just hearing that made me think that things were starting out great and I was happy for that. I wanted things to go great for this book and I didn't want to wait around like I have my recent books. Not that there was any problems with them going through the process but the company took a long time to get them where I wanted them to be. _

_"I don't know Em. I think I should take Aiden with me while I go out there. He does the business side of everything." I was trying to keep a straight face because I already knew that I was going to take Em with me. She's been to San Fransico with me on a book signing but never to L.A. _

_"PLEASE!" I couldn't hold my composure and started to laugh so hard. _

_"Ok, ok, ok. You can go." Em hit me on the arm and I fell on the floor laughing my ass off. _

_"Damn it! You did that on purpose." Em grabbed my pillow on the couch and was hitting me with it as I laid there on the ground laughing at how funny she looked as she was trying to plead with me to take her to California. _

Emily and I were sitting in first class as we were on our way to L.A. I didn't think that she would go all out for us heading over there but apparently she wanted to show me that they could take care of me if I choose their company for my next book.

I definitely was not going to complain.

"What did you tell Aiden about us being gone for the weekend?" I opened my eyes as I was just relaxing in my seat hoping that Emily would be doing the same thing.

"I actually told him the truth." Emily looked at me as if she was shocked that I did that and in all seriousness I was shocked as well because Aiden liked to do things dealing with my work. Don't think that I'm not grateful for everything that he's done for me but I needed to find someone who was going to publish my work on time. For someone who is getting paid for all my work they better do a better job other wise I will have to replace them. Kind of like what I'm doing with my publisher.

Aiden agreed to it and I was glad for that because I don't know if I could take him telling me that I needed to stay with the company that we were in business with. I do not need that anymore. I think I can handle a

better publisher who knew what the hell they were doing.

Hmmm it doesn't hurt that Ashley was connected with that publisher either. In fact it sounded just great to me. Now we will see what this beautiful voice looks like.

Arriving in L.A. I was excited to get to business. I wanted everything to come into play for Em and me. She's been with me the whole way and when I succeed so does she.

12:47 P.M.

I had to make sure that we had time before we had to meet up with Miss Woods.

"Do we have time for the hotel?" Em asked as I was walking out of the terminal heading to get our bags.

"Yeah we do. I believe we are suppose to get picked up from Miss. Woods company and they are going to take us to the hotel first before we go and meet them."

"Good because I need a shower." I started laughing.

"Yeah you do." Em hit me on the arm and I continued to walk.

"You said it first. I was just completely agreeing with you." Em loved to hit me. I think she still loves me but she would never admit it. We've been apart from eachother for some time and has yet to get into a committed relationship like we were in. I loved her no matter what though. She was going to be by my side for a very long time. Unless she gets sick of me then that would be a different story.

I would just have to kick her ass. That's all there is to it.

Just like Kyla told me there was a driver waiting for us at the airport and took us straight to the hotel. They were definitely building up good carma with me.

"What are you doing on your computer?" Em was getting out of the shower and I was of course looking at my e-mail from Aiden. I told him to keep me updated with everything that was going on back home in NY. I always had to keep my options open if things didn't work out here at Ashwood Publishing.

"Checking e-mails. You know me. I have to keep up to date with everything that is going on back home." I went back to looking at my computer when my phone started going off. I went into my laptop bag and grabbed my phone.

"Who is it?" Em asked just as I was answering the phone.

"Hello." Em started getting ready and I sat there shaking my head at her because I knew she was getting dressed out in the room with me sitting there for a reason. She was one of the biggest teases I have dated in my life. I turned around after getting a good look and I started listing to the person on the other line.

"Hey Miss Carlin. It's Ashley from the Ashwood Publishing." Ashley was calling me. How did she get a hold of my number? Nevermind, I'm sure she has her ways of getting things she wanted. I started smiling thinking of that comment and I answered her.

"Yes this is her." Man I loved hearing her voice.

"I didn't mean to bother you but Miss Woods wanted to have our meeting tonight over dinner. She has a unscheduled appointment that came up that she can not get out of. She truly is sorry for the push back." I sat back down on the chair and I wasn't liking where this was going. I mean if they wanted me as their new writer then they would of canceled the other client.

"Sure." I was not in the mood to talk at the moment.

"Are you upset?" Ashley was being really straight forward.

"I'm good. Just busy at the moment but go ahead and leave me a e-mail when you know what time is dinner tonight." I wanted to get off the phone. I was upset and Ashley knew it.

"I will do that Miss. Carlin and we are truly sorry for the inconvenience."

"It's ok. Goodbye." I hung up the phone and I looked over towards Emily.

"What's going on? Did they cancel?" I grabbed my purse and I decided that I was going to hit up L.A. without them.

"Hurry up and get dressed. We are going to hit the streets." I left the room with with nothing else said and I made my way down to the lobby.

Screw this. I didn't need their limo to take us places. We could find our own way around here and not have to depend on them. I was tired of depending on others. It was time for me to take charge of my life and not have to worry about waiting around for others.

Damn! What is taking that girl so long?

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" Em and I grabbed a cab and decided to just go where ever was a good spot to go shopping. I wanted to pick something cute to wear tonight at dinner. Of course all I was thinking that I was pissed that they canceled on me. It had to be something big to cancel on me, right?

"Ashley had called and said that they had to cancel the meeting and said that they wanted to meet up tonight for dinner." I was looking out the window as we were driving through the city.

"Did they say why?"

"They had something that they couldn't get out of. Whatever. If they don't want to publish my next book then that is their problem not mine." I needed to stop talking about this because I was really letting it get to me when I know I shouldn't. This trip was just a interview for me in reality. I know that I could find another publishing company that would love to publish my next book. I need to stop depending on people because they were only going to keep on letting me down.

Just depend on yourself Spencer because no one else is going to get you where you want to be in life. You have to do that on your own.

Em and I went driving through Los Angeles and decided to make sure that we have a good time here since we were here. No need in wasting our time.

"Where we going first?" I sat in the seat looking at Em to the right of me.

"Im all about Rodeo Drive baby! There ain't anything as good as going on a shopping spree." Emily was definitely right about that. I felt like throwing around a few thousands of dollars and I was going to hit up the good places.

"Sounds good to me." I told the cab driver where exactly where we wanted to go first.

I guess we weren't meant to meet Ashley.

Another time and another place I'm sure we would of had a great time together.

**(A/N: Sooo here's the chpt...of course ive been taking forever and u kno i am sorry so i wont say it over and over because Im sure ur really tired of hearing it. I've been thinking bout this story and whats going to happen next. Sometimes stories flow right off the head this one is taking some thought so cope wit me. Let me know wat u think...u dnt have to leave love but let me know what u are thinking...that would let me know that there is someone out there reading my stuff still. So everyone thanks for sticking around for the rest...MY BAD.) **


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